Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.