He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'