He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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