I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.