We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.