I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"