My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.