I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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