Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?