3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
