the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Life is so much better after having sex.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
im six kinds of drunk right now
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick