he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section