They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.