Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
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and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.