For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".