i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho