she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think my vagina is haunted
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom