I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
