you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
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im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.