you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
bring money and cleavage
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.