i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.