we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You're my little dorito
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.