Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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