Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
...so i touched it.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
they're staring at me
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.