my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I wannas sexs uuuuu
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"