Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
What should our trivia night team be named?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I don't get it.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.