You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
sarcasm needs its own font
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.