We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
