I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He passed out mid-signature
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.