I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?