and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.