Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions