While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I am puke
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
I told you penises don't tan
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.