Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
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I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
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My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I'm fucking your sister right now.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them