I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
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Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.