All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I can't breathe out the right side of my face