Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
