I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.