I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I puked a lego.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score