Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
