We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward