Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
