A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
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Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
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You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!