You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!