Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
