We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.