he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
