He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
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Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
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I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?