I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.