Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole